Remember to let go(d)

How a miraculous relief for my panic attack taught me to never abandon my spiritual practice.

About 4 years ago, I left a codependent relationship that left me very heartbroken and bruised. Eversince then, I knew that I needed to learn about being happy on my own so that I can focus on healing my wounds. With consistent therapy sessions, I learnt that the root of my insecurities in relationships stem from experiences in my childhood. My parents had a difficult marriage (which inevitably ended up in a divorce) as they battled their own inner demons the best they could, but this resulted in a rather dysfunctional environment for me and my siblings (may Allah protect them always).

To cope with the loneliness and emptiness, I would try to channel the pain and frustration by seeking massive achievements. By the time I turned 25, I was everything I thought my younger self would hope to achieve - a two-time TEDx speaker, the founder of a nonprofit organisation, 1st class graduate, published researcher, Cambridge scholar… okay, I’m going to stop here. You get the picture!

Do not be mistaken. I am very grateful for these achievements. Yet, somehow they did not feel enough. I felt I was not enough. I spent the early years of my adulthood desperately chasing love and safety in the emptiest of hearts and places.

When I tried to express this frustration, people would often tell me, “Netusha, you have everything that others are still hoping for. You should be more grateful. Yes, you had difficult times. But maybe you wouldn’t be where you are without the suffering. It might have been necessary. Don’t be so bitter!”

Still, I struggle to deny those dark emotions that bubble within me. I frequently battled with voices in my head, also known as intrusive thoughts, that pushed me to the brink. If I could fill even a second of stillness with a distraction, I would if it meant that I could avoid feeling. My nervous system was so dysregulated (check out this powerful resource if you find this relatable). I had absolutely no control over my triggers! I could go through an entire cycle of intense emotional and physical pain for hours to weeks, leaving a trail of destruction behind.

Something needs to change. I had forgotten how to just… be. However, it took me more than a couple of years after turning 25 before I could truly come face-to-face with this problem. I only really began to take ownership and hold myself accountable for my own healing journey, especially seeing how old attachment wounds would be activated in moments when I needed to bring out the best version of myself.

Healing from emotional trauma is a lifelong, non-linear journey but the remembrance of Allah through solat and zikir has certainly made it easier to cope with the challenges of this dunia.

When I converted to Islam, I made my best effort to pray and zikir consistently. At some point, waking up for Fajr came with great ease. I even started wearing a hijab, practised reciting the Quran and memorised several doas! However, I faced a severe disruption to my spiritual routine when my father was hospitalised and in critical condition for 10 days. Wallahi, it was truly the greatest test I have faced in my life. Although I gave my best efforts to care for him, it came at the expense of my ability to remain consistent and committed. Since this incident, I have failed to keep up with solat and zikir because of the mental burnout that came with dealing with my father’s recovery and rehabilitation.

It’s now more than a month, and I am nowhere near returning to my desired routine. That was until this happened.

In early June, I was in Penang for work and it has been very hectic and demanding of my time and energy. The night before I was meant to deliver my presentation for the programme, I had a panic attack. I have been so nervous about it, alongside some unsettling issues in the realm of relationships. My nose felt blocked, my chest tight and my stomach churn. I couldn’t stop crying because I became so irrationally scared! It was in this moment of desperation, that I tried to do breathwork and it didn’t work, I began to recite this doa (read about the moving story about Moses behind it here!) that my friend taught me during Ramadan:

رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلْتَ إِلَىَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍۢ فَقِيرٌۭ

“My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need.”

After repeating the doa so many times to the point I lost count, I started to feel my nose clearing up, my chest relaxing and my exhaustion setting in. Subhanallah! It was a very mysterious, miraculous moment. It wouldn’t be long after that, I could finally sleep with some ease. The next day, I delivered my presentation and received generous feedback from my colleagues, participants and my boss. Alhamdullilah.

Nearing the end of this programme, I began to reflect on my deen and how I can elevate it from where it is right now. This strange but powerful moment in the depths of the night had taught me that despite how guilty I felt for not being able to be better in my ibadah, Allah still answered my remembrance and plea to Him because He knows I need Him the most.

Prophet Musa (peace and blessings upon him) was a fugitive, on the run, and exhausted. The tafsir of Mufti Shafi states he did not have any food for the last seven days. Despite his fatigue, the mistake he made was weighing heavy on his mind and whatever good he could do to redeem himself he would take.

When two women told Musa that their father was too old and cannot take their flock, Musa perceived it as an opportunity bestowed by Allah to right his wrongdoings. As he walked to the shade he recited this dua “My Lord! I am needy of whatever good Thou sendest down for me.” This story allowed me to think about why my panic attack went away as I recited zikir.

Perhaps in some way, I’d like to think that Allah, my only witness, can see that I do try to be good and better so that I feel closer to Him. Maybe Allah sees that I do think about Him in every opportunity I get. When I falter, I am still trying my best because returning to my spiritual routine is the most urgent and important task in my life right now. But it is also the most difficult task I have been trying to achieve, amidst the emotional and physical challenges that I am experiencing.

Instead of allowing myself to fall back onto familiar mechanisms to protect me from feeling the hurt, I am now working on giving myself permission to feel the hurt, open my vulnerable heart to Allah and… let it go!

Yes, just let go. It was always much harder than said. But in the Holy Quran, we are continuously reminded that we are not in control of anything in this world we reside in. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says:

“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” [13:28]

It made me question myself, “Why do I always completely forgo worship just because I really want to see it done in perfection?” If anything needs to be let go of, it is my attempt to control the outcome of emotionally-demanding situations. Ultimately, it is Allah that knows best and I do not. It will take more practice. Instead of allowing the disruptions in our lives to cause us to digress from the most authentic version of our Muslim selves, why don’t we simply turn to Allah and seek His guidance to soothe our fears, and ask for His forgiveness and compassion to be bestowed upon us?

But what stops us from being better at letting go? For me, it was the shame of not being consistent in the face of our Creator. If we truly remember Allah, we know that He wants us to let go to make room for ourselves to be better as written in the Quran:

And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things. [65:3]

May we always be consistent in remembering Allah even in times when we feel the furthest from Him! Ameen.